Life as I see it at the moment... 

Life as I see it at the moment...

There are moments that I have that are just deep questioning moments and I end up in a deeper thought/questioning mode. Like the moments where I wonder what if? Those moments usually end up day long pondering. You know the "what if I had done or said something different in this situation?" moments. Would life be better or worse? I know most people have these moments also but I seem to be having a lot of them lately. Maybe because I will be entering my 30s later this year or maybe because I have a lot of decisions I have to make regarding my present future or maybe I have been more sober than not lately. Or it could just be all of these combined that are influencing my mind to wander into these answerless moments. Valentine's Day was great. I spent it with my "boyfriend" and all of his friends. It was fun because it was the first time that I was in a room full of men and I didn't have to worry about being cheesily picked up on. I could just be one of the girls but with men. It was definitely a refreshing experience. It also made me realize that men go through the same emotions as women when it comes to relationships and dating. However, most men try to hide these emotions behind the "I am man hear me roar" facade. Hint: Most women are tired of the roaring and they just would like to have a normal conversation without all the pretentious gender bullshit added to it. I am still on the rail about what I should do about "the one." This may sound silly but I feel guilty even thinking about seeing someone else. And most of you that know me, know that this "guilt" feeling is not something that usually pertains to me. However, I also feel that its a lost cause and I should just move on. I just need to somehow get rid of this foreign feeling of guilt. Oh well, I guess time will only tell. I have also been thinking about VB a lot lately. I really miss my pets, friends, and family. I wonder sometimes where I would be right now if I would have stayed. Probably doing the same things and still dealing with the same bullshit drama and men. Those are the things that keep reminding me of why I made the decision to leave. It would probably be different if I came back because I'm a little different. I have focus now and I have also learned that drama in life is overrated. We all have drama in our lives, some people more than others. But I think the way we survive the drama and hopefully learning from it is what makes us stronger people in the end. There a lot of lessons in life that I have learned so far that I have been really hard and torturous but in the end it's made me feel stronger. I know I am just babbling on and on and I could keep going but I will save all you from the torture ; ) I have to work on some college apps anyway so until next time.....Love and kisses

Rosebud